If you're reading this, thank you for clicking. If you somehow make it to the end of this, thank you. This is going to be incredibly disjointed but I'm hoping this helps someone out there who relates to even a small part of this. Otherwise, maybe this will turn out to be therapeutic for me and something I can refer to to help myself step away from my thoughts and look at them through a different perspective when I'm going through my next bad spell.
For a little over 20 years now, I've dealt with OCD and a whole bundle of other mental health issues that have been borne out of that. As I write this, at this current point of my life, I'm dealing with one of the worst periods I've ever gone through. What dealing with 20+ years of OCD has done to me is given me terrible anxiety, uncertainty in anything I do, terrible self-esteem issues and drastic mood changes. It's probably done things to me that I don't even realise. Maybe writing this will help me realise a few more of those things.
The very worst example of OCD I can think of is when I had a car. I sold off my car eight years ago or so because I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I remember the biggest issue being a constant fear that my car was leaking oil. Any time I parked my car anywhere, I had to check under to see if my car was leaking. I would leave my desk at work to check if there was leaking. In the winter, I'd leave cardboard under the engine and come back to see if there was leaking. I'd obsessively check the dipstick to see if my oil levels were decent to see if there was leaking I couldn't notice. One time I noticed my car was leaking a fluid on a Friday afternoon before I went on a cottage weekend with my friends. Not having time to deal with it, that ruined my entire weekend. There were other issues too. While actually driving, I would check my engine temperature gauge constantly in fear that my engine would overheat. I knew the fan would come on if the temperature got too high but getting stuck in traffic on a hot summer day would spike my anxiety. I remember calling my mom one time as I had a panic attack because I was stuck in traffic and that needle kept rising. Ironically, I was on my way to see my therapist. The final straw came when I woke up one night at 2am in a panic because I had to check my oil level. After checking maybe a dozen times, I broke down crying in my garage and decided I just couldn't own a car anymore so I traded it in for a bus pass.
The car thing was probably the worst it's ever been but I've compensated for my OCD/anxiety so much over the years that it's just become daily life to the point where I couldn't possibly remember every instance. My bedroom in an apartment I had had a patio door that opened to the back lawn of our building. Checking doors and locks is a common thing for people with OCD and it's been the same for me. For a few years, I'd never look at the left side of my bedroom where the door was because if I even accidentally glanced at the lock, I'd get stuck checking it for god knows how long. I once left a bar to go back home because I couldn't remember if I'd put out a candle. When I leave the apartment, I agonize constantly over whether I turned off all the faucets or checked to see if the oven is off.
So I mentioned earlier that I've having one of the worst periods I've ever gone through. I thought I'd give some examples of the past to give you an idea of what I deal with before explaining why. A little over a month ago, I was laid off from my job and now, I'm on Employment Insurance for the first time. There are things that happened when I was growing up (that I don't want to talk about) that have caused me to be terrified of the government. I try to deal with the government as little as possible because of this. Now, I don't really have a choice. Because of this fear, I try and be overly perfect about all my dealings with the government and being overly perfect about things and trying to be doubly and triply sure about things is what causes my OCD to spike hard. To manage my OCD, I try and remember specific things about what I'm checking and create mental photographs.
When filling out EI reports, I try and memorize all the questions I get asked, which reports they have, how many pieces of correspondence they've sent me, what specific wording they've used for information they've given me, what the website looks like, whether I logged out of my account, etc. I become tethered to these mental photographs to the point where it's all I can think about. I can't go to a Metric show without making sure I remember. I can't go have wings with my friends without making sure I remember. I can't go inside a theatre to see Endgame without making sure I remember. I can't go to a rugby game without making sure I remember. Rationally, I know that there's no way becoming untethered from this is worse than staying tethered, but I can't let go. I have no idea if you can relate and I wouldn't say I'm suicidal, but you do get incredibly exhausted and sad at the thought of always having to deal with this because I know that once it isn't about my EI reports anymore, it'll be about something else. Hell, I get anxious if I can't remember the exact amount of money I have in my chequing account but that's been going on forever and is relatively unobtrusive that it's just a manageable part of my daily life.
I mentioned earlier that this has destroyed my self-esteem. It's hard to realize you can't own a car or fill out a simple EI report and feel adequate as a person. I've convinced myself that because I'm inadequate, no one actually likes me because how could they? I feel like I only ever give anyone 50% of my attention because the other 50% is tethered to whatever mental photographs I'm holding onto. It's hard for me to properly describe how my anxiety is linked to my lack of self-esteem but it probably isn't normal to question whether anyone in the group chat likes you at all because they didn't respond to your joke. I've tried to protect myself from these feelings of inadequacy by doing my best to enjoy doing things alone. The way I see it, it's easier than dealing with rejection.
I will say thank god for my fiancee because I have no idea where I'd be if I was left to my own devices and I do get scared when I think about it. But I've placed an unfair burden on her when it comes to wanting help to deal with these things and get horribly guilty when I feel like I've asked for too much help from her or anyone else. I do realize I still have it better than most and everyone has their own issues to deal with. I've tried therapy before but the only therapist I ever really gained traction with moved to Maryland after awhile. If I'm ever lucky enough to have health insurance benefits again, I know I have to try again. I've always found therapy difficult because I find it hard to really convey what's bothering me, as you can probably tell from this rambling, disjointed rant. I also have trouble remembering advice because there are no numbers or words to take mental photographs of. Anyway, if you can relate to any of this, I hope it helps you realize you're not alone. As for where I'll go from here, I guess I've dealt with 20+ years of it so I'll keep holding on as long as I can. It's really hard though.
